


An Excuse For Snacks

by No1fan15



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Canon-Typical Behavior, M/M, Wedding Planning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:40:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27517009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/No1fan15/pseuds/No1fan15
Summary: When The Tallest learn about the earth custom of a "wedding cake" from Zim's latest rant they're determined to have one along with every other wedding specific food they can find. This, of course, calls for the first ever Irken Wedding. A momentous occasion and a daunting task for any planner given it. ( Which is exactly what happens because of course they're not doing any work themselves. What did you expect? )
Relationships: Almighty Tallest Purple/Almighty Tallest Red
Comments: 8
Kudos: 32





	An Excuse For Snacks

The longest recorded time for Zim talking without interruption was an impressive three hours and two minutes.

The staff aboard the Massive had a betting pool running for how long his next annoying lecture would be in an attempt to make them bearable. On this day in particular it looked like the bet may be about to pay off. 

  
“And THEN the FOOLISH human “teacher” told me everything about this planets most sacred of rituals! I assure you, My Tallest, this information will not go to waste! I shall learn more of these earthlings “weddings" and “marriage” so that I may use it to DESTROY THEM!!!” 

  
The small green blip on the transmission screen that somehow thought himself an Invader continued to prattle on. The crew watched on with much more interest than their leaders. The call length was starting to reach the three hour mark. Several Irkens crossed their antenna for good luck. The monies they'd accumulated as their prize was enough to dwarf five years of pay. With a collective wave of quiet excitement they watched the clock tick ever closer to the goal. The Tallest were less enthused about the whole situation. 

  
“Is there anything relevant to the Empire you wish to share?” Red said in a tone of voice that conveyed the knowledge that none of Zims reports had done so in the past. 

  
“Yeah! We're gonna miss snacktime at the canteen!” Purple chimed in. No one bothered to bring up that the canteen was always having snacktime. 

  
“But… this is important!” Zim said loudly, the same volume as everything else he said. “With my new knowledge of how this filth planet works I can rid it of the humans once and for all!” 

  
A navigator fidgeted as the timer ticked up. 

  
“Good for you.” Red drawled sarcastically. “We don’t care.” 

  
“Just do whatever.” Purple added. 

  
Several engineers pretended to work and kept their eyes glued to the screen. 

  
“As you command, My Tallest! I will uncover the secrets of such things as “wedding cakes" and “vows" immediately!!! For the glory of the Irken Empire!!!” Invader Zim signing off!!!” Zim said with a proud salute. The screen turned dark and workers around the ship rushed to check the time. 

  
Three hours and three minutes.

  
Somewhere deep in the belly of the Massive a table headed service drone celebrated with every inch of their being. ( It wasn’t very many inches. ) 

  
“Finally! Every time he calls I swear he talks longer.” Red said. 

  
“Are you ever scared he'll never shut up and just keep talking forever?” Purple said. Both Tallest shared a shiver. 

  
“Don't even suggest that.” Red said. They both began to make their way off the main platform when Purple paused. 

  
“…. Didn't Zim say something about “wedding cakes?” he said. 

  
“Probably. I zoned out about halfway through.” Red said. “What about it?” 

  
“I've never heard of a “wedding" cake before.” Purple said. He had a focused look only someone truly in love with food could have. “What do you think it tastes like?” 

  
“I dunno. Probably some type of earth food flavor.” Red said. He was starting to catch on. “Zim said that “weddings" were a human ritual, right?” 

  
“Yeah! So that means… uh…” Purple trailed off as he racked his brain. “That they're special?” 

  
“It means they’re cakes made FOR the “wedding"! Like a Shmorpday Flan.” Red said. “Whatever they are they must be important enough for the earthlings to only make during a sacred time.” 

  
“I wanna try one!” Purple exclaimed with glee. Then his expression fell. “But that would mean…”

  
“Talking to Zim. Voluntarily.” Red grumbled.   
Seeing as neither of them wanted to be the one subjected to such terror they thought for a moment in silence. Then Red had an idea. 

  
“You!” he exclaimed. He pointed towards one of the many navigators sitting nearby. The mint green Irken in question pointed at himself nervously. “Yes, you. You will be the one to call Zim.” 

  
“Yeah! Get all the information he has on these “wedding" things and what the cakes are like.” Purple added. The navigator stood up and saluted. 

  
The Tallest, satisfied with their plan, left the room with laughter from both of them. The remaining staff that hadn’t been singled out returned to work. A few pitiful glances were given towards the Irken given the order. Contacting Zim and actually having to LISTEN to him was a punishment none of them wished to give any thought to. 

In one of the Massive's many private communication booths the Irken sat and contemplated if disobeying the Tallest would be worth it. He'd just sat through three hours of Zim screaming and now he had to do it again by himself. Had he angered his leaders lately? He didn’t seem to recall anything of the sort. Pink eyes stared anxiously at the comm panel. He supposed he may as well get it over with. He took a deep breath and pressed the call button. 

  
“IT IS AN HONOR MY TALLEST – Eh? You’re not the Tallest. Why are you calling from the Massive?” 

  
“I'm calling on behalf of the Tallest. They’re… busy.” said the Irken. The Zim induced headache he'd recently shaken off was returning rapidly. 

  
“I see. The Empire calls.” Zim said with a solemn nod. He then perked up. “But if you are contacting me on the Tallests behalf that means they were going to call me anyways!” 

  
“Yes….. sir.” said the Irken. Trying to remember his formal training might help. “I am to speak to you in their stead.” 

  
“Very well then. Whatever my leaders need to know I, ZIM, shall provide!” Zim said proudly.

  
“The Tallest are interested in information regarding something mentioned in your latest report. Something called a “wedding" cake.” said the Irken. 

  
“Ah, yes! Part of the precious human intel I gathered the other day.” Zim said. “What do the Tallest need to know about it?” 

  
“Everything, really. How you make it, what it tastes like, why you eat it, if it's special, that sort of thing.” said the Irken. 

  
“I will compile a database of everything this planet can give on the subject immediately!” Zim said. He was already tapping at his keyboard. “Just gimme a sec here, uh…” 

  
“Lan, sir.” 

  
“Yeah, whatever Lon. Just be ready for it.” 

  
“If I may inquire, sir, how exactly do you plan to send the data?” Lan asked. 

  
“Oh, just the standard direct to PAK transfer. It shouldn’t take long.” Zim said. 

  
“Standard!? That practice hasn't been standard in… in centuries!!” Lan exclaimed. Zim waved him off. 

  
“Eh, it's still the most direct. Should be standard if you ask me.” he said. Before Lan could lodge another complaint a large wire extended from above the console and attached itself to his PAK. Zim poked a few more buttons. “Now hold still.” 

  
In the seconds following this sparse warning a few events transpired. These being: Several dozen terabytes of information being downloaded instantaneously to Lan's PAK, the power that this action needed draining every ounce of energy from at least three vital rooms of function aboard the ship, Lan painfully regretting quite a few of his life choices before shutting down for the update, and Zim maniacally giggling for no apparent reason throughout the five minutes it took Lan to wake up. 

  
“Uuurrgh… was that really necessary?” Lan grumbled as he attempted to push himself up from the floor. 

  
“Of course it was! The Tallest require this information! ZIM's information!” said Zim. “Now go and do your duty, Lom!” 

  
“Lan.” 

  
Before he had a chance to even entertain the idea of losing his temper on this small green nuisance the transmission had been cut. Lan sighed and stood up. He rubbed his hands over his eyes as he tried to process all the information the update had given him. The majority of it was concerned with the human emotion of “love". Irkens had no capacity for such feelings and such an abundance of it was overwhelming. He was lucky his PAK didn’t register it as a glitch. He walked shakily to the door and wobbled his way down the hall. According to his update he had a lot of work to do. 


End file.
